rope. tree. fan. spear. snake. wall.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

waiting, mostly

Huaugh. Well, it's getting harder to find time to write, especially since Mom's keyboard is kind of loud and I don't want to disturb her. I don't know how to describe how she's doing, partly because I've been here in the middle of it for so long, it's hard to know what changed when. Also because I don't really know how much detail would constitute an invasion of her privacy. And also because I'm not sure how to articulate what's galloping through my head.

She's getting weaker and sicker, the lucid moments fewer and farther between. She does wake up to ask occasionally why she doesn't die - not in a wretched, suffering way, though. She doesn't seem to be in pain, she's just decided it's time to go and is wondering why it's not that simple, I guess.

We're doing a lot of work on getting the house cleared out, but it's challenging. The dust makes me sneeze, and makes my eyes itch. There's so much that we just don't know what to do with, and it's weird to be throwing away things that were important to her, or that she put so much work into. And there's a lot of just-junk lying around, but also a few pieces of genuine history mixed in. There is also a lot of genuine garbage that I left behind, so I'm scratching my head a bit over the motives of my earlier self.

Aaaand I'm staying a bit longer. Now that we know she's actually dying, and how much there is to do around that, two weeks is not nearly enough time. She's barely conscious, but she's still glad I'm here. And even if she weren't, I would not be feeling a lot of self-respect if I scampered off and left this enormous amount of work to be done by her friends and neighbors, and by Jerry, who is a lot more than either of those.

Arranging to stay longer: gack. Apparently I had a completely non-changeable, non-refundable ticket, not even for a death in the family sort of thing, and Lufthansa wanted $3000 for another ticket at a later date. Way to capitalize on other people's misfortune, and don't let anybody tell you that European businesses are less vulture-like than American ones, okay? I did find a decently-priced ticket at SAS, so no major harm done, but Lufthansa will be receiving a nasty letter. Yeah, I got all kinds of time for that. So but anyway, I'll leave here on the 29th, and the general understanding is that I won't be back, for whatever funerals and things end up happening. That it was better to be here while she was still alive, and to make myself as useful as possible under the circumstances. So I guess I better get back to work.

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